Well, another Fathers Day is drawing to a close and as usual while I appreciate my family telling me they are grateful for me, I also feel a little less than adequate. While I don't believe I am a bad dad, I also feel like I'm not as good a dad as my kids deserve. I seem to always come up short on patience and understanding. I feel like I'm far too often the grouchy middle aged dad so ridiculed and picked apart on endless sitcoms. It's not how I ever wanted my kids to see me, but I wonder if they do.
I feel like sometimes I'm losing control over the kids and they constantly challenge what I say and refuse to obey until I lose control over myself. Then I want to kick myself for losing my temper and not responding in love the way a good Christian father should.
Then somehow, just when I feel like I've obviously failed at fathering, some complete stranger comes up and tells me what wonderfully well behaved children I have. Or one of the kids tackles me with a big hug. Or something ridiculous happens and the whole family is laughing together. It's then that it hits me that even though I am far from perfect, maybe I'm not a complete failure.
One of these days I really want to sit down with my dad and ask him how he felt when he was my age and in the thick of fathering a large unruly family. Did he have the same doubts and insecurities? I know he wasn't perfect either, but he did a darn good job of being a dad. I wonder why I've never asked him how he survived. I'll make that my Fathers Day resolution this year. I could really use a good father son talk. He's a great resource that I've failed to take advantage of. Despite being a dad, I never really have stopped needing a dad.
I've been on vacation with my family for over a week now. While there have been more than a few moments that really tried everyone's patience, we've also had some really great times together. I think I'll end this little blog with some pictures, a sort of highlight reel. I know that in the years to come the negative moments from this trip will be forgotten, but the fun moments are the ones that will last. I guess that's what makes fatherhood so rewarding in the long run.