To My Sister on Her Wedding Day

     I think I was the first person you ever saw.  I was the first person to ever hold you after they cut your cord and cleaned you up.  No, I was NOT in the delivery room when you were born, but they called me in while you were still naked and wet and squalling on the scale.  When they had you dressed, they handed you to me.  I was 17, a junior in high school.  I always felt a special bond for you because in a way it seemed you were mine.  I was going to protect you and care for you.

     You don't remember, but I used to experiment on you when I was taking early child development classes in college.  I new you were brilliant.  You did things babies your age weren't supposed to be able to do.  I actually did a project on you for class.  I remember a time when you were maybe 18 months old.  We were at Grandpa and Grandma Weatherford's house and they had just gotten their gumball machine.  You sat and watched as all your siblings and cousins stuck their pennies in the machine and took the colorful balls out.  After a while you walked into the other room, went up to Dad, stuck out your little hand and said, "Need money Dad."  You were about 18 months old and not only was it cute, but I was amazed that you already had a sense of object permanence and were grasping abstract concepts such as monetary value.  Okay, my education classes had warped me a little, but I sure was proud of you.

      You were always tough as nails too.  Maybe you just learned early on that as the ninth kid, you weren't ever going to get much sympathy, but you could take a tumble and get up and go like it never even phased you.  I watched you running on gravel once when you were not even 2 yet.  You wiped out big time.  Your little knees smashed hard onto the rocks and when you stood up, your legs were scraped and bloody.  I started to run to you and then stopped in amazement, because you never even cried.  Instead you squatted down and picked little chips of rock out of your bloody knee caps and then took off running as fast as before.

     You were my little gravelly voiced sidekick when I lived with you and I would try to picture what you would be like when you became a woman.  I imagined you would be strong, and courageous, beautiful and a person of great character.  Eventually I grew up and took off on my own.  I left you in good hands with Dad and Mom, but in the transition, I sacrificed that bond I had with you.  From then on I watched you grow from a distance.  For me it felt like you crawled into a cocoon and now much sooner than seems possible, I am watching you emerge and stretch your wings and I am so proud of what you have become.

     Willie is a lucky guy and I think he is a great enough guy to have someone as special as you.  I look forward to getting to know another brother and friend.  Marriage is wonderful and you two will be great at it.  It is hard work, let me assure you.  There will be amazing times and hard times.  Sometimes you will be running full steam ahead and then suddenly you will find yourself face down in the gravel wondering what happened.  Just get up, clean the gravel out of your knees and keep on running.  I pray that you will be caught up so much in the joy of your life together that you won't even notice the occasional bump or bruise.

    I don't know exactly how to tell you as a woman what marriage will be like.  I can give you a little advice on men though.  It might possibly come in handy since you are going to be spending a lot of time with one from now on.

     First of all, men need to feel needed and respected.  We don't always deserve respect, but it is what motivates us to be better than we are.  You show Willie that you respect him for what he does and who he is and he will give his all to make sure he's earned that respect.  Yeah, we want to know that our wives love us, but it means a lot more to us to know that you're proud of us.  Our biggest fear in life is that we will fail you in some way.  We have pretty fragile egos no matter how much we pretend otherwise.  We go to work each day so that we can provide for our families.  We can endure criticism and stress all daylong every day if we know that you will be there for us when we get home.  Sometimes a "thank you for what you do" is the best motivation a man can ever receive.

     Secondly, keep your priorities straight.  God comes first and Willie second.  Eventually you will probably be a mom.  It is so easy to pour so much energy into children that you don't have any left for your spouse.  It won't seem possible while the whole marriage thing is new and exciting, but in 10 years when the shininess has worn off and the luster has faded, when kids are screaming and demanding all of your attention, remember what you feel for Willie today and always take time to get alone as a couple.  So many marriages focus so much time on the children that when the children are gone the couple has no relationship left.

      You two are a team, formed by God for a purpose.  He has taken both of your strength and both of your weaknesses and forged them into something unique.  Find that purpose and dedicate your marriage to fulfilling it.

     Put value on the things that matter.  Invest in eternal treasures.  Don't get caught up in collecting stuff that grows old and sits in boxes in the basement.  Be content with little even when you have times of plenty in your life.  Hold material things with an open hand and never be afraid to sacrifice the temporal for the eternal.  The size of your house, the logo on your car, the value of your bank account, these things do not bring happiness or make a strong home and family.  Time is precious and it slips by far too quickly.  Use every minute wisely and squeeze every last drop of goodness from each second.

     This day may seem the greatest in your life so far, but it is just a day and will soon become a memory.  The real joy of a wedding day is the journey that follows.  You both are grounded and equipped for whatever life may throw at you.  Do me proud little sister.

      I love you so much and am so proud of the woman you have become.

Motherhood

     Well, This has been a strange week.  I've had every intention of writing and have just not found the time.  I had planned on trying to honor my wife with a post on Mothers Day, but I'm fairly certain that she appreciates me participating with parenting more than just writing about it.  Some strange force is at work in my body as well.  I think it's called age.  Whatever it is, over the last few nights I have been totally exhausted by the time the kids get in bed.  Generally I avoid sleep as much as possible.  I know it's not the healthy thing to do.  I just feel like so much time is wasted lying in bed asleep.  I have a lot of more enjoyable ways than sleeping to waste 30% of my life.  I generally try and coast by on 5 hours or so of sleep a night and then every few weeks get 9 or 10 hours and that sort of resets everything.  The last few days I've been needing  8+ hours.  It really is frustrating, because I just can't function after about 9:30.  That is normally when I am just getting started.  Consequently, things like writing have been neglected.

     Now that I have a few moments, I wanted to reflect a little on Motherhood.  I don't often appreciate all that my wife deals with in her role as a mother.  I think I sometimes get jealous of the amount attention she gives the kids.  Sometimes I fear that we focus so much on the kids that we unintentionally neglect our relationship.  It's hard to keep things in balance.  I watched my parents walk the same tightrope.  I'm amazed that they came through as well as they did.

     I wanted to post on Mother's Day, because I truly believe it is an important day.  We celebrate Fathers Day, and that's nice, but most dad's really don't expect much from father's day.  It's nice for us, but we really don't get all that into it.  I'm sure it's partly due to the difference in the sexes.  I love being a dad.  I am close to my kids, but I will never have the sense of a bond with them that Karlye has.  They were a part of her once.  She felt them grow inside her.  She felt their first fluttering movements within her.  She carried them each for nine months and then went through an excruciating ordeal to bring them into this world.  That changes a woman.  As a man, I can't begin to understand the bond between a mother and her children.  Mothers have earned their day through physical and emotional sacrifice.

     Men are separated from the whole experience of pregnancy and birth.  It is a mystery that we can never fully grasp. Because of this, we are often confused and frustrated by what we see in the way our wives relate to our children.  I have had moments that have been truly precious in which I have a baby fall asleep in my arms.   I still don't really enjoy rocking a baby to sleep at night when I could be doing something else.  Karlye loves those moments.  I think she is most at peace with a a baby snuggled up to her breast.

     Even when the kids have pushed her to her limit, she still is their most ardent defender.  Many dads have probably experienced a situation in which they are totally baffled by their wife. It is the end of the day and mom is worn out.  She has been surrounded by crying and complaining children all day with no adult conversation.  She is frustrated and tired and pushed her to her limit.  Dad walks in, he has been at work.  He had forgotten that he even had children until he pulled in the driveway and found a collection of Big Wheels in his normal parking space.  He goes inside ready to wind down, relax, maybe, if everything goes well, spend some romantic quiet time with his wife.  That all changes as he steps across the threshold.
     "You need to deal with your son.  I've had about all I can take from him.  He has kicked a hole in the wall, clogged all 3 toilets, spilled a gallon of milk on the carpet, and told me that I am the meanest person that ever lived.  I'm done."
     Now a truly amazing dad and husband would probably tell his bride to go sit down and rest while he straightens up the kitchen and gets dinner finished and on the table.  He might then go down to his son's room and have a good long chat with the child about respecting mom and treating her the way she deserves.  He would do it firmly but with love and his son would then apologize and begin treating his mother with the respect she deserves.
     I typically don't live up to that ideal.  I most likely would pretend I didn't really hear her and hope somehow that I might still be allowed to go sit and relax for a while.  This never works and eventually I am persuaded to take action.  I now am mad at the child more for the inconvenience that he is causing me than for anything he may have done to his mother.  I  head back to teach the little creep a thing or two.
     At this point there will be an immediate change in a mother's position toward the child.  She moves from prosecuting attorney to public defender in a heart beat.  That child may have driven her to the edge of insanity, but at the slightest perceived threat she will become the mamma grizzly defending her cub. I have become the bad guy for coming down too harshly.  I am threatening her baby.
     It is a situation that frustrates and confuses me, unless I stop and look at it from her perspective.  This kid, no matter how horrible he has been acting, is a part of her.  She is right too.  I generally am not acting in love at this point.  God has given her a special insight that I don't have.  It is good to have that as a counterpoint to my sense of justice.  If only I could remember that at the time, instead of taking it personally.

     There is also a common bond between two mothers from the shared experience of giving birth.  Put two men in a room and they will try to talk about sports, or work or something that they can find as a common ground.  Most likely they will not discuss their children.  Moms start with motherhood and children and expound from there.

     We took the kids to a nature center last weekend.  I brought Elijah and Grace into a room set up for preschoolers.  There was a woman and her baby in the room with us.  I nodded at her in acknowledgement, and then proceeded to focus on my kids completely forgetting that she was there.  After a while Karlye came in and I left with the older kids to look around some. After 20 minutes or so, I wandered back into the room to see what the wife was up to.  I found her engaged in conversation with the other woman.  I sauntered up to see if she what she was discussing.  As I approached I heard, "..and he never experienced any nipple confusion."
      I did an about face and left the room as quickly as possible.  I don't know that I have ever been engaged in a conversation with a total stranger about nipple confusion and had no intention of doing so at that moment.  That is a conversation far outside of my comfort zone.  These to women were engaged in mom talk.  Two mothers can discuss personal anatomy, bodily fluids, excrement and a whole host of other uncomfortable topics without even a hint of social awkwardness. These two women were fully engaged and I knew that they would be there for quite a bit longer.  The other woman's husband was also hovering about, afraid of getting close enough to overhear their conversation.  We exchanged a knowing glance and then both wandered off.  I think our wives must have shared their life stories in their 45 minute chat.

     I'm glad my wife is the way she is.  She loves being a mom.  It is her life.  She lets her motherhood define her.  Too many women are afraid to do so these days.  Karlye is a wonderful and talented person.  She was great at being a nurse and I know she could accomplish anything she set her mind to.  She has chosen to focus on raising 5 children. Because of this, she has sacrificed the accolades that come with what the world considers a real profession.  She can't leave her job at the end of the day.  She spends hours doing laundry, cleaning, and cooking for people who not only take it for granted, but most of the time complain about the way she does it.  Unfortunately, I am far too often one of those people.

     I could never do what Karlye does.  She can keep track of all 5 kids and has an intuitive sense that tells her when something is not right.  She keeps them fed, knows what their homework is, knows when their ball practice is, works in their classrooms, knows where their clothes go and manages to not only dress them in a socially acceptable fashion, but most of the time has them all color coordinated.  She is an expert on safety and has all the guidelines for car seats committed to memory.  She alone keeps our house from descending into utter chaos. I don't know what we would do without her.

     I hope that I can learn to be a better support to her.  I try, but I let her down far too often.  I hope she knows that despite our squabbles and the monotony of our daily struggles, I really don't take her for granted.  Of course, it is easy to write about being a good husband and it is a whole different thing to be one.  I'm not a perfect husband, but she makes me want to keep trying. Karlye has said at times that I could be just as happy if I was alone.  While I do enjoy getting away from the craziness of our life when I can,  I would be nothing without her and our litter of urchins in my life.  Our life together is anything but perfect.  It's crazy flurry of madness most of the time.  It's a roller-coaster to be sure, but with her by my side and this brood of kids wrapped tight in our arms, it the most amazing and fun ride imaginable.  I would not have it any other way.

     So Karlye, I hope you had a great Mothers Day and may it continue every day of your life.